Jealousy is a real emotion that can play havoc with our mental health. In 2015, I was on a trip once in Central America,  and I knew Renee was about to have a partner spend the night at the house. I lost my shit. Yep, I video called her and was absolutely out of control. The tiny green-eyed monster was  whispering, “Why aren’t YOU the amazing time?” And what is worse, I was believing it!

I can honestly say I acted quite poorly that day. You can hear how badly I handled it in our Vanilla with a Side of Kink podcast episodes 18 through 23.

Jealousy happens to the best of us, poly or not. But here’s the good news: jealousy doesn’t mean you’re failing at polyamory. It’s just a sign that something needs your attention. So buckle up, because we’re about to take a witty, snack-fueled journey through the art of taming jealousy and turning it into your new BFF (Boundaries, Feelings, Freedom).

Step 1: Don’t Shame the Green-Eyed Monster

As hard as it may be to believe in the moment, jealousy isn’t evil. It’s not even inherently bad. It’s just your brain waving a little flag saying, “Hey, something feels off here.” Instead of slapping that monster with a rolled-up newspaper, try asking it, “What are you trying to tell me?”

Maybe you’re feeling insecure, or maybe you need more quality time with your partner. Whatever it is, jealousy isn’t the problem—it’s the clue.

Step 2: Name It to Tame It

It can feel like jealousy is this vague, shapeless blob hanging over your head. Give it some structure by naming what you’re actually feeling:

Is it fear of being replaced?
Is it insecurity about something specific?
Is it FOMO because their date sounds WAY more fun than what you're doing at the time?

For me, at that time, it was the fear of being replaced. There I was thousands of miles away and someone else was with the woman I loved. 
Once you name the feeling, it’s way easier to address. It’s like realizing the monster under your bed is just a pile of socks.

Step 3: Communicate Like a Rockstar

Jealousy thrives in silence. You have to speak up or resentment will build. So grab the mic and say something. Here’s a handy, drama-free formula:

Start with how you feel: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Name what’s triggering it: “I realized I’m worried about you connecting more deeply with [Partner B].”
Make a request: “Could we plan some extra one-on-one time this week?”

Not that I handled it that way back in 2015, but I wish I had.

With this series of statements you can clearly communicate without accusations. Just honesty. Plus, your partner might be thrilled you opened up—it’s like giving them a cheat code to your emotions.

Step 4: Love Thyself (Harder Than It Sounds)

Jealousy sometimes sneaks in when your self-esteem takes a nap. That’s your cue to throw a self-love party:

Treat yourself to your favorite hobby or a new experience.
Write down three things you love about yourself (bonus points if one involves your excellent taste in snacks).
Remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to your partner’s other relationships. You’re a catch, and don’t you forget it.

Yes, all of that will help. And, so will you having the conversation with your partner. Don't do one without the other!

Step 5: Build the Jealousy Toolbox

Think of jealousy like a leaky faucet—you’ll want to have tools on hand for when it starts dripping. Stock your metaphorical toolbox with:

Boundaries: Make sure your relationship agreements are clear. What’s okay, and what’s not?
Reassurance Rituals: Regular check-ins or affirmations to remind each other you’re both invested.
A Support Network: Sometimes, you need a friend (or therapist) to help untangle your feelings.

Yes, a therapist can be a great help. And just because Renee is a therapist does not mean she should be mine, what really bad idea! But, she does occasionally throw in some good stuff for me to consider.

With the right tools, jealousy stops being a flood and becomes a manageable puddle. It may still be there, but you can manage it.

Step 6: Celebrate Your Wins

When you successfully navigate a jealousy moment, pat yourself on the back. Seriously, celebrate it! Turn on your favorite song, eat some cake, or do a happy dance in your kitchen. You’re growing, and that deserves a moment of joy.

These moments of growth are so important. Since that day in 2015, my reaction to her with another partner is much less about jealousy. I have a great appreciation for the joy they bring into her life, and thus into mine.

From Jealousy to Joy

Handling jealousy in polyamory isn’t about eliminating it—it’s about understanding it. It’s a natural feeling that can lead to better communication, stronger boundaries, and even deeper connections. Think of it as your emotional GPS. Sometimes it’ll take you down the wrong road, but ultimately, it’s there to help guide you toward where you really want to be.

So next time that green-eyed monster shows up, don’t panic. Offer it a snack, listen to what it’s saying, and show it who’s boss. You’ve got this.