Relationships are like pizzas, there’s no “one right way” to make them. Some people love the simplicity of a classic cheese with tomato sauce (hello, monogamy), while others pile on every topping imaginable (polyamory vibes, anyone?). Both are delicious, depending on your tastes, but they’re wildly different experiences. And if I just modified your thoughts about how you look at pizza, sorry about that!

This has been, and continues to be, one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my journey. Having been monogamous most of my life, it has taken some work to get my head wrapped around the idea of someone being a partner that doesn't relate to me in the same way my wife does. I am grateful to those who have been helping me to work through this and been patient with me.

Now, what are the key differences between how relationships can look in polyamory vs. monogamy? Buckle up, because we’re about to take a deep dive into love, connection, and maybe a few metaphorical toppings along the way.

1. The Number of Partners: Monopoly vs. Multi-Player Mode

Monogamy is straightforward: one partner, one relationship. It’s the “classic board game” version of love—simple rules, and everyone knows what to expect.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is like switching to multi-player mode. You can have romantic or emotional connections with multiple people simultaneously, all with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It’s not about quantity—it’s about exploring connections wherever they authentically form. And when I say authentically form, I mean it doesn't have to be about sex, its about the connection.

Think of it this way: in monogamy, love is like your favorite song on repeat. In polyamory, it’s more like a playlist—each relationship adds a different vibe.

2. Relationship Structure: The Blueprint vs. The Freeform Design

Monogamous relationships often follow a well-trodden path: dating, exclusivity, marriage, white picket fence, maybe a dog. There’s nothing wrong with this—it’s a solid blueprint. It is one I followed, as I was raised, until I realized that I was reading the blueprints wrong.

Polyamory, on the other hand, can look like a Picasso painting. Some relationships are hierarchical (think a nesting partner and non-nesting partners), while others are more egalitarian (no one partner takes priority over the others). There are triads, quads, V-shaped dynamics, and even polycules (think: extended love networks). It’s a choose-your-own-adventure story, where everyone gets a say in the plot.

In polyamory the amount of time each person has in the story can vary widely. It doesn't change the connection, just the quantity of time each partner may have in the connection.

3. Communication: Standard Maintenance vs. Full-On Relationship Engineering

If monogamy is like driving an automatic car (steady communication, occasional tune-ups), polyamory is a manual transmission—constant engagement and fine-tuning.

Poly folks often spend a lot of time talking:

Setting boundaries.
Checking in about feelings.
Scheduling quality time (hello, Google Calendar).
It might sound like work, but it’s how polyamorous relationships stay balanced and thriving. Think of it as emotional CrossFit—you’ll build serious communication muscles.

You also learn a lot about yourself, your own insecurities, desires, and needs.

4. Jealousy: Myth Busting vs. Myth Managing

Jealousy exists in both monogamy and polyamory—it’s a human emotion, not a relationship style.

In monogamy, jealousy is often seen as a sign that something’s wrong (or, occasionally, as proof of love—hello, rom-coms). Having been monogamous and jealous, I can tell you it sucks. It was like I was trapped and did not have the emotional or communication skills to handle it well. 

In polyamory, jealousy can be a helpful nudge, a chance to unpack insecurities, communicate needs, and build trust. It’s not if jealousy happens; it’s how you handle it that makes the difference. I feel that being polyamorous and jealous is different because it is brought up more and discussed more. This direct confrontation of emotions (checking in on feelings) can be very healthy and helpful in any type of relationship.

5. Time and Energy: Simplicity vs. Strategic Planning

Monogamy can feel a little simpler: one partner, one schedule, one emotional bucket to fill. Although I know now that this is not the case because life is rarely that simple. 

Polyamory is like juggling. You have to manage your time, attention, and emotional energy that gets divided between multiple people. That means some serious planning. But it also means you’re building a network of support and connection that’s uniquely yours. And when this network of support is loving and caring and has your best interests at heart, it is amazing!

6. Societal Expectations: The Well-Trodden Path vs. The Road Less Traveled

Monogamy fits neatly into societal norms: wedding bells, anniversaries, couple’s photos. It’s the relationship structure most of us were taught growing up. This is the path we will take because that is how it has always been done. Which is a lie. Monogamy is relatively new from a historical standpoint, but is far outside the scope of this blog post.

Polyamory however means navigating uncharted territory. Explaining your dynamics to friends, managing family reactions, and even handling legal or logistical hurdles can feel like walking off the map. But for those who embrace it, the freedom and authenticity of polyamory make the journey worth it. 

And yes, it can be scary, overwhelming, and wonderful, all at the same time, no matter which path you travel.

In the End, Love is What You Make It

Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, the key is this: relationships are meant to fit you, not the other way around. Monogamy offers uniformity and stability, while polyamory embraces diversity and expansion. Neither is “better.” It’s all about what resonates with your heart (and your metaphorical pizza toppings).

So, go forth, explorer of love! Whether you’re crafting a monogamous masterpiece or building a polyamorous mosaic, remember: the best relationship style is the one that feels true to you.